'Its okay not to be okay'
choose to write blogs on days when I am motivated, inspired or feeling invincible. However today I have begrudgingly attempted to write something of meaning, of purpose, perhaps something different to what I usually write about. It’s about days like this, or what feels like weeks like this, where the darkness has consumed me, I am no longer walking around in black and white, or flying high in multi colours, days like this its just complete darkness.
That's the best way for me to express how I currently feel, ‘feel’ even the word has lost its meaning. As I can't find the words to describe the meaning of the word feel, I am unable to know what it is too feel so how would I be able to express how I currently feel? I guess I could say that I ‘feel’ like I am existing in an abyss. In the abyss of complete darkness.
Imagine a day where you are walking, walking through life, you look around, trying to experience all the beauty but you just feel a deep wave of anxiety rise within, you start crashing over what to others seems like just a pebble, but for you it is the whole shore. Existing for me can sometimes feel like that, each breath is like a crashing wave, every time I lose control another wave consumes the shore and even with the beauty of the ocean around me I just can't seem to regain control.
That is a typical day for me, then on the other days I am superwoman, I am flying really high, through rainbows and clouds in the sky. I am no longer grounded, I am elevated above the earth and the sea. The thoughts become the fuel to keep my flying high, like in peter pan think happy thoughts, although these thoughts that keep me flying high, are extravagant and risky in nature, I have thoughts of things indescribable, and sometimes these thoughts consume my body, I behave somewhat sporadically as I fly higher and higher, there is no nighttime up this high and no need to sleep.
Then there is today, and how I am existing now. In the darkness, the abyss, the void, the emotionless empty and pointless existence, where I am simply existing and the days and weeks are passing by without a care, without a ‘feeling’. I am unsure as to what is a better day for me, and I'm not sure if it really is okay for me to not be okay, as really what is okay but a word that has little meaning, I will always say ‘I am okay’, but what do I mean? What does it mean to be okay?
I guess I could say that today, I am really not okay. Am I okay when the waves crash over me? Am I okay when I am flying high in the sky? Am I really ever actually okay, or am I just good at functioning, controlling, pretending to be okay.